Human Behavior

So I started this blog with a rant of self-pity, great way to start off on the right foot huh? Not that it really matters because I am not writing this for people to see. If people stumble upon it that’s ok to.

While I may not be a particularity-gifted writer I do appreciate the talents of people that I feel are. One such person would be David Sedaris. He has the ability to write passages that make me laugh hysterical hyena laughter. If people hear me as I am reading something of his I am sure that they would think I belonged in a mental hospital heavily sedated. Anyway I had the opportunity to watch/listen to him speak last night, he was utterly brilliant. There were times that I was laughing so hard I had tears pouring down my face, just like I would if I was crying. He has he ability to show the absurdity of human behavior.

I had a better day today than I did yesterday. I think some of the helplessness I was feeling came from the fact that I have very few going out friends. I have particular bars I like to go to, but the majority of my friends like to go to another type of bar. This has made it very hard for me to meet the type of people I like.

My rant of self pity

Is it truly possible for someone to be unlovable? Can I be one those people? Those are two questions I have been asking myself a lot lately. I don’t feel that it is my personality or looks that can make me potentially unlovable; I feel that it is my fear. I don’t feel I am good enough to be loved.

I am direct and to the point with almost everything in my life, yet I lie to myself everyday. I tell myself that I don’t care that I haven’t had someone interested in me in years and if I have I am oblivious to it. I care; I care so much it borders on obsession.

Everyone has his or her strengths, mine happens to be that I am a good bullshitter. I am the used car sales man of life. I can make people feel they are the center of my world when in fact they are just a number. They are the means to me making more money. After long interactions that happen outside of my job, with friends and such, people have the ability to see my lack of substance. I like to say I give good face however all it happens to be is face.

When did I become so damaged, why did I become so damaged? Are there any real answers to these questions?